Over 25 years, ago when I used to teach college, had a two door
hatchback to drive, and was living in a small apartment in a low
income housing complex, in downtown Atlanta, our life was just
beautiful, and our needs so few. We went places, even on long
vacations in the hatchback, with three teen age children and
wife. No one complained, except my wife occasionally, that the
car
was too small for five grown ups. The apartment had two
bedrooms, and only one bath, consisting of a sink, and tub with
shower, for five adults. The mornings were kind of difficult and
an exercise in continence. We didn’t then know what a half-bath
was. All the children were in school, using the free bus
service. My wife finished college, got a job, and bought a brand
new four door big expensive car, as her job was too far, 200
yards away from home. One American dream realized. I left
academia, and started selling insurance, had the same hatchback
with no radio and no air- conditioning. I was tempted to use the
new car for my business,
but did not succeed in getting it. Next the apartment seemed too
small to my wife and she drove all over the town to buy a house.
But it would take another 9 years to realize the second dream. I
was so attached to my cheap place, and would not want to move
out and shell out more money, which I did not have. My wife went
ahead and rented another apartment, in the same cheap complex,
and started living on her own with more space. I was still at
the old place, with all the three children. My wife ran back and
forth to cook at both places, and took care of both homes. We
eventually, advised our son to move out and live with my wife
while I stayed at the old place with the two daughters.
My brother’s family came from England for a visit, and wondered
why we had two separate apartments, and not a bigger one. We
explained, the apartments bigger than ours’ did not exist in the
low income housing complex, and we, especially me, did not want
to move away. Then came, a friend’s family from Virginia to
visit, and spent a weekend with us, they asked for my wife and
son, and I took them to the other apartment, where they were.
My
wife got mad, and wanted that I should have called her and asked
to come to the old place, and may be stay there, as before, for
the weekend. My friends thought, we were separating, which my
wife suspected that they will, hence wanted to spend time all
together at one place. But my friends, asked me anyway, ‘Apka
Love Marriage Tha Kya’ , (was yours a love marriage) seeing us
at two separate places, suspecting our marriage being dissolved.
Since a traditional arranged marriage, does not have a situation
of separation, living separately and eventual divorce, hence the
question on ‘ love marriage’, which is not expected to last very
long anyway. Most marriages in India are still arranged, with
the help of parents and seniors on both sides of the family.
Divorce is still a taboo, and exception.
No one walks out of wedlock, as the decision for marriage
involves numerous people from two families, and the
society/village at large. It works like the US Congress, where
you can vote a dissent, but once the opinions are counted, the
majority wins, the so called ‘family-whips’ control the entire
affair, and the matrimony, thus, can not be dissolved, without a
long parliamentary practice. The process may not be pleasant for
the divorcing couples, but most of the time they give in to the
pressures, and the marriage is saved. Many a times it may end up
in a unhappy marriage carried out for the benefit of children,
as well as for the convenience of both sides of the family. And
mostly due to the inconvenience, of going through the whole
process
again,
if one wishes to remarry. All this made a lot of sense for me.
Hence I tried to arrange the marriages of all three of my
children, but did not succeed in either. My two younger brothers
in England and India, both had ‘love-marriages’, as had our
three children in USA. In my case, in remote Bihar, India back
after finishing college, I came home for summer vacation, in the
1960s, and my father said to me, ‘you better get a hair cut, as
we will take you to get married this weekend in a different
town’. I was 19 then, had finished the masters in science,
earlier than most of the students in my age group, and was
considered bright, also had lived the city life for several
years, where I was now teaching college for couple of months.
But I had no courage to ask anything to my father, or to anyone
else, hence got married to a 16 year old girl, from a far away
place, selected through arranged marriage. People ask me, when
did you see your wife first. I answer, four days after getting
married. At the podium, the bride was under a veil. After the
wedding we were separated, and allowed to be with each other,
four days later on an auspicious day. We are still together, for
the last 45 years or so, with plenty of turmoil, dissensions and
heartaches. We did not separate, in spite of the numerous
problems we have had, as it was not a ‘love-marriage.’
car
was too small for five grown ups. The apartment had two
bedrooms, and only one bath, consisting of a sink, and tub with
shower, for five adults. The mornings were kind of difficult and
an exercise in continence. We didn’t then know what a half-bath
was. All the children were in school, using the free bus
service. My wife finished college, got a job, and bought a brand
new four door big expensive car, as her job was too far, 200
yards away from home. One American dream realized. I left
academia, and started selling insurance, had the same hatchback
with no radio and no air- conditioning. I was tempted to use the
new car for my business
,
but did not succeed in getting it. Next the apartment seemed too
small to my wife and she drove all over the town to buy a house.
But it would take another 9 years to realize the second dream. I
was so attached to my cheap place, and would not want to move
out and shell out more money, which I did not have. My wife went
ahead and rented another apartment, in the same cheap complex,
and started living on her own with more space. I was still at
the old place, with all the three children. My wife ran back and
forth to cook at both places, and took care of both homes. We
eventually, advised our son to move out and live with my wife
while I stayed at the old place with the two daughters.
My
wife got mad, and wanted that I should have called her and asked
to come to the old place, and may be stay there, as before, for
the weekend. My friends thought, we were separating, which my
wife suspected that they will, hence wanted to spend time all
together at one place. But my friends, asked me anyway, ‘Apka
Love Marriage Tha Kya’ , (was yours a love marriage) seeing us
at two separate places, suspecting our marriage being dissolved.
again,
if one wishes to remarry. All this made a lot of sense for me.
Hence I tried to arrange the marriages of all three of my
children, but did not succeed in either. My two younger brothers
in England and India, both had ‘love-marriages’, as had our
three children in USA. In my case, in remote Bihar, India back
after finishing college, I came home for summer vacation, in the
1960s, and my father said to me, ‘you better get a hair cut, as
we will take you to get married this weekend in a different
town’. I was 19 then, had finished the masters in science,
earlier than most of the students in my age group, and was
considered bright, also had lived the city life for several
years, where I was now teaching college for couple of months.
But I had no courage to ask anything to my father, or to anyone
else, hence got married to a 16 year old girl, from a far away
place, selected through arranged marriage. People ask me, when
did you see your wife first. I answer, four days after getting
married. At the podium, the bride was under a veil. After the
wedding we were separated, and allowed to be with each other,
four days later on an auspicious day. We are still together, for
the last 45 years or so, with plenty of turmoil, dissensions and
heartaches. We did not separate, in spite of the numerous
problems we have had, as it was not a ‘love-marriage.’